the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My ass is underappreciated
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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