Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
