saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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