tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
