he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
