I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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