Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
