Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize