i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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