it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
