Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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