Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
