I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
