eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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