if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
