Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
