I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
