I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
