I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
