dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
