dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Drunk is a universal language darling
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
