Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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