I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
