My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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