I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
