I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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