a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
