be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
