It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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