you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
