I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
