The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
