Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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