I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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