apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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