if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
