So drunk its hurt
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
