I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
