It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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