I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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