can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
