Your mouth is God's brothel.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
