would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
