Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
