Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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