I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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