I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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