OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
