Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
