Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
