is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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