I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
