i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
