I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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