I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
