I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
